


you could make a religion out of this

by flibbertygigget



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Fictional Religion & Theology, Gen, Godparent Crowley (Good Omens), Kid Fic, LOL literally, Scene: Flood in Mesopotamia 3004 BC (Good Omens), mythmaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 13:09:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20174782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flibbertygigget/pseuds/flibbertygigget
Summary: In which Crowley (er,Crawly) defies the Ineffable Plan and accidentally becomes a god.





	you could make a religion out of this

_ Myths do not happen all at once. _

_ They do not spring forth whole into the world. They form slowly, rolled between the hands of time until their edges smooth, until the saying of the story gives enough weight to the words - to the memories - to keep them rolling on their own. _

_ \- V.E. Schwab, _ _ A Conjuring of Light _

_ a song about our ancestors: _ _ they wore _ _   
_ _ masks for fear of angels knowing their faces. _

_ \- C.T. Salazar, “American Cavewall Sonnet” _

* * *

“Not the kids. You can’t kill kids,” Crawly said. Aziraphale pressed his lips together and tried not to look like he cared. Neither one of them was fooled.

* * *

_ So, children, you have come for a story from Old Lud? I will give you a story. I will give you more than a story; I will give you the origins of our people. _

_ In the beginning, there was no life on earth nor in the heavens, no life save one. She is called the Goddess. She was the one who gave birth to all living things. First she gave birth to the gods and goddesses, which is why she is called their Queen. Then she gave birth to the angels, who were to be servants of the gods. Then she gave birth to all the plants and animals of the earth. And then, finally, she gave birth to the humans. _

_ For a long time we thrived, worshipping the gods and goddesses as befitted them. But the Goddess became jealous. She began to feel that only she deserved the worship of her creations, and so she found a way to destroy all the humans who did not worship her above all others. She gathered all the clouds of the heavens and brought about a great flood, one that would cover the whole earth. _

* * *

Jerah watched in shock as his father’s fields filled with water. They had been praying for the rain to come for some time now, but it wasn’t supposed to be so _ much _ , so _ fast _. These fields were Jerah’s responsibility this year, because he had turned fourteen years old and was therefore considered a Man. He didn’t feel like much of a Man now, watching all his hard work being washed away by the torrents of rain. Even his trusty slingshot, which he had used to keep away so many birds and other pests, was absolutely useless in this situation.

“Jerah!” He turned to see his eight-year-old sister, Inanna, who was carrying the newborn Lud.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“The water’s inside the house!” she said, sounding about three seconds away from panic. Jerah bit his lip. His parents were away in town, and so it was his responsibility to keep Inanna and Lud safe. But how could he keep them safe when the house was flooding and there was no sign of the rain letting up? “What should we do? Should we go find Mom and Dad?” Jerah shook his head.

“No,” he said slowly, trying to think things through. He was a Man. He could do this. “No, we have to get to - to higher ground. We can go on the roof! Yeah! That’s what we’ll do.” Inanna nodded, apparently content to follow Jerah’s lead in spite of his wavering voice. They ran to the house, water now sloshing around their ankles. Jerah boosted his sister to the roof, then he handed Lud up to her. He almost slipped when trying to climb up himself, but finally they were all safe.

He hoped they were safe at least, Jerah thought anxiously. The water was knee-high now, and it was only getting deeper.

* * *

_ One of the other gods heard of the Goddess’s plan. He was not a well-worshipped god in those days, but he has always been a great and powerful one. He is called Crawly, and he is the god of snakes, of the in-between places, of knowledge, and of children. When he heard of her jealousy and her vengeance, he begged her to show mercy, but the Goddess is a merciless creature and ordered him to be silent. _

_ Crawly was silent, but he is a clever god. He flew down to earth on his great black wings, scouring the land for any who remained alive. When he found a child who remained above the waters, he plucked them from their perch and brought them to the land of monsters. For though he feared the children would not survive the creatures that lived in the land of monsters, it is an in-between place, and therefore beyond the Goddess’s gaze and under Crawly’s dominion. _

_ And the children who were saved before the floods covered the earth numbered twelve times twelve. _

* * *

The water had almost covered the roof of the house. Jerah told Inanna to get on his shoulders with Lud, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep them above the flood for long. He was praying as hard as he could, but the rain seemed to be falling even harder now. Jerah closed his eyes and waited for the end to come.

“Bit of a wet one, isn’t it?” said a voice. Jerah’s eyes snapped open and his mouth gaped in shock. There was a man standing on the roof in front of him. A very wet, very bedraggled man, sure, but there hadn’t been another soul in sight a moment ago. Besides, this man had a pair of giant black _ wings _. Above him, Jerah head Inanna gasp.

“You’re a god!” she said. “You’ve come to save us!” The man made a noise that sounded like choking mouse.

“I’m just Crawly,” he said, and then he held out his hand. “Come with me if you want to live.”

Maybe Jerah should have hesitated. But the water was lapping at his ankles now, and the man couldn’t be _ just _ a man. So he reached out and grabbed Crawly’s hand, making sure to keep a firm grip on Inanna’s leg with his other hand.

In an instant Jerah was surrounded by darkness. He couldn’t breath; he felt as though a giant snake was crushing him from head to toe. All he could do was hold on to his two points of contact, the two things in the world that seemed _ real _ and _ not painful _. And then, suddenly, he was no longer being crushed. He took a deep breath, and his nose and throat burned with the scent and taste of sulfur. Above him he could hear Lud crying, Inanna trying to shush him and failing.

“Sorry about that,” Crawly said. Jerah opened his eyes and got his first real look at the- he couldn’t call him a man, not anymore. In addition to the giant wings, Crawly had inhuman eyes that were slitted like a cat’s or a snake’s. More likely the snake, Jerah realized, since there was a tiny snake that wriggled endlessly on the skin near Crawly’s ear.

“What - What-” Jerah gasped. He looked around. The world was made of black stone shot through with red fire. Around him he could see dozens of sopping wet children, ranging from a few months to maybe eleven years old. “What happened? Where are we?”

“We’re someplace safe - well, for a given value of safe,” Crawly said. “The earth’s flooded. Divine punishment and all that. But you’re just kids; you haven’t _ done _anything. Nothing could justify this.”

“I’m not a kid,” Jerah said, hating the way his voice cracked. “I’m fourteen.” Crawly pursed his lips and shook his head.

“You’re a kid,” he said decidedly. “Come on, we need to find a cave or something where we can hole up and be safe.”

“Are we gonna be attacked?” Inanna squeaked. Crawly’s gaze softened.

“Not if I have the power to stop it,” he said.

* * *

_ Crawly kept the children in the land of monsters for a long time, providing for them as best he could. When they required drink, he spouted breasts and fed them milk like a mother. When they required food, he scooped out his own innards and transformed them into choice meats. When the monsters came too close and threatened them, the god shielded the children using his great black wings. _

_ Every few days he would go back up to the earth to see whether the flood had abated. After one hundred ninety days, he knew it was safe to return to the earth. But before Crawly could lead the children back to their home, an emissary arrived. _

_ Aziraphale was an angel, a being created to serve the gods and goddesses and especially the Goddess. Crawly opened his great black wings, prepared to fight for the children he had saved. _

* * *

Jerah sensed the change in atmosphere immediately. Just a moment before, Crawly had been preparing all the kids for the journey back to their homes. Then Crawly had stiffened, wings raising in a way that meant there was some danger nearby. Jerah’s hand went to his slingshot, but Crawly shook his head.

“Keep the kids here,” he said. “I’ll deal with this.” He began to leave the cave. Jerah waited a moment, making sure that some of the older kids were taking care of the babies and toddlers, and then he followed Crawly, trying to keep quiet. Crawly had seemed more worried this time than with any of the monsters that had come near the cave before. Jerah was the oldest, he was a Man, so he was the most logical choice for backup, no matter what Crawly thought.

“Didn’t expect to see you here of all places, angel,” he heard Crawly say. The god was trying for an air of nonchalance, but Jerah could tell that he was nervous.

“I assure you, I didn’t want to be here. You’ve made everyone rather cross with you.”

“It’s what I do best,” Crawly said. Jerah snuck closer. “Besides, if your lot can’t deal with a little thwarting…”

“The Almighty’s Plans-”

“Fuck the Almighty’sss Plansss!” Crawly hissed. Jerah almost dropped his slingshot. “Ssshe can’t be ssso omnipotent if ssshe can’t ssstop one ssstupid demon.”

“You have half the hosts and choirs of angels scouring the earth for you, Crawly.”

“And I suppose you’re going to, what, bring me in? Discorporate me? _ Destroy _ me?” There was a long pause. “Go back where you came from, angel.” The other man was an angel. The other man, Jerah realized, was apparently looking for Crawly and the kids. Jerah began swinging his slingshot in a large, arching circle. He was going to have to time this just right if he was going to help Crawly.

“Crawly…”

“And tell them that I am willing to burn every one of them with hellfire if they try to _ touch _ those kids!” The slingshot picked up speed. Almost… almost…

“For all that’s holy, Crawly, I am trying to help you!” This time Jerah actually did drop his slingshot.

* * *

_ But the angel Aziraphale had come with a different cause. He warned Crawly that all the Goddess’s angels were searching for him and those under his protection. _

_ “Let them come!” said the god. “I will fight them all if I have to!” But beneath his boast he was afraid, for he knew that not even a god could fight forever. Aziraphale, however, had a different solution. _

_ “I have come to see that what you are doing is good,” he said. “Let me guide you to a place where the angels will not find you.” Aziraphale did so, and for this Crawly raised him from an angel, a mere servant, to a god. Aziraphale became the god of travellers and of all those searching for the right paths. _

* * *

“... What?”

“I am trying to help you.” The angel’s words were coming very fast now. “I - I know the places they’ve already searched. They won’t think to check again. They’re methodical like that. They won’t-”

“Why?” Crawly said. The angel didn’t answer. “You’ll Fall.”

“Well, that seems like a bit of an overreaction-”

“Aziraphale,” Crawly said, and Jerah could hear the pain as the god spoke the angel’s name, “you’ll become like me.”

“At the moment, my dear, that doesn’t seem like such a bad thing to be.”

* * *

_ The new god Aziraphale led us here. And we named our new home Nachash Yaladim, which means Children of the Serpent. For twelve years Crawly stayed, teaching us to hunt and fish and sow and reap, teaching us to build our houses and maintain our walls. In the twelfth year he went back to the heavens, so that he might prevent the Goddess from ever destroying the earth in her jealousy again. And so long as the people of Nachash Yaladim worship the snake god and give him offerings, we shall never fear destruction. _

* * *

Aziraphale and Crawly looked down at the little settlement, hidden from the demon’s former charges through a simple, low-level angelic miracle.

“Well, all’s well that ends well, I’d say,” Aziraphale said. Crawly’s lip curled.

“Of course _ you’d _ say that,” he said. “I was able to save so few, so damn few. The flood… what a waste. I don’t know what She was thinking.” He straightened up suddenly, a smile playing on his lips. “Still, it should get me some brownie points in Hell, at least.”

“Really?” Aziraphale said.

“Oh, yes,” Crawly said, now seeming hugely amused and pleased with himself. “You see, the kids down there have started to see me as a bit of a god myself.”


End file.
